To The Momma With Anxiety 

I see you, because I am you. 

It starts slowly with feeling so alone but too scared to make friends. Sometimes your brace enough online or texting but going out on a girls date.. Woah. I can’t even imagine it, actually I can and that’s the sad part. I want to go out and do things and have friends. But my best friend Anxiety doesn’t, and most of the time we do what it wants to do. It’s so frustrating knowing that people want to be my friend but I get SICK to my stomach thinking about leaving my comfort zone to join them. I’m just stuck here chained to my BFF anxiety. I didn’t sign up for this and I am certainly not married to it, so why is there this heavy seemingly unbreakable ball and chain attached to us? 

Anxiety sucks and people don’t seem to understand it comes in many forms and varieties. It’s not just crying uncontrollably or panicking. It’s also staying at home while all your friends go out. It’s crying and feeling alone even though you have tons of opportunities to go out and be free. Free? No such thing. I’ve found myself so secluded to myself the past few years I would almost rather stay home than go out and face people. That however doesn’t mean I don’t want friends. I just want comfort too. Is that too much to ask? 

It’s OKAY to feel that way. It’s okay to want comfort. It’s okay because a lot of us feel the same way too. Let’s be socially awkward together because it’s better than wishing we had been but were too scared. So come on over and sit in my bed and bindge watch tv or bring over a board game and let’s play. Let’s get comfortable but acquainted so we don’t have that anxiety anymore. Because let’s face it. Anxiety sucks. 

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My MANY faces of Depression. 

I, have had a problem with depression for 3 ish years now. It comes and goes as it pleases and sometimes it masks itself as other things. Why? Why does it do this? It makes me feel like I’m okay and then the next second I just don’t know. 

I should probably start at the first face my depression decided to take. Sadness and Self-Harm. I was only 13 years old when I first experienced depression obviously way to young to be dealing with that. But parents, it is possible and actually EXTREMELY common. Parents: Dont you DARE say “it could never happen to my baby” because it CAN. So pay attention. High School is very hard. Not just the homework and learning but socially, I would say is harder than anything else. If you don’t get accepted… if people don’t like you… your fucked. Rumors start getting spread and believe me when I say.. In high school that shit spreads like a damn wildfire. People eat it up then add to it and twist it til it’s just this big monster that can’t be tamed. And you know what people don’t understand? The only person that has to deal with this great big monster.. Is you. Not them. They NEVER stop to think about the repercussions and how they are affecting you. It’s just a big laugh and good time for them. It doesn’t go home with them. It doesn’t live with them every waking moment of the day eating awhile at EVERYTHING you stand for and even the things you don’t stand for, the things they think you stand for. They get to go home and not think about it til the next time they give you shit and then it’s gone yet again. So yeah my depression was caused because of a stupid rumor that I later found out he only started because quote on quote here “I thought it would be funny.” YOU FUCKING LITTLE SHIT. YOU GOD DAMN LITTLE PRICK. YOU RUINED MY HIGH SCHOOL EXPERIENCE BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUNNY?! Are you seriously seriously right meow. Then I had troubles at home, no support and guidance and bleh bleh bleh. I had no friends and no outings and bleh bleh bleh. I didn’t even have cable at home. I had nothing. I just kept sinking and no one seemed to care or notice. So I started self-harming. My thighs because obviously I didn’t want to be sent to the psych ward which is exactly what my family would have done. So I hid it and didn’t talk about it. Sinking sinking sinking this poor little 13 year old girl just fucking sinking and no one even batted an eyelash, let alone threw a life raft to save me. I tried to commit suicide, but my body has such a high tolerance to medications that I woke up fine. A handful of Motrin 200mg and nothing. I look back and I know that it wasn’t my time and I’m so great-full I didn’t succeed. I only got out of the hole I was in because one day I finally just broke down after someone called me a rude name. I literally broke down and started crying. I couldn’t take all of this anymore and I didn’t want to. I couldn’t stop crying and I was embarrassed because I was at school and I couldn’t stop. It was just crying, I was uncontrollably bawling. So I finally was forced to say something. I went to the doctor and I got on antidepressants and I seriously hoped they would make me feel better and get me out of this hole I was in. 2 long weeks. I started to feel a little better and I could actually smile at things. And then, once again my world came tumbling down. I found out I was pregnant. I tried my hardest to stop self-harming but I was just so sad all the time and these hormones that weren’t mine.. They didn’t help. I sank again. I sank even lower but I couldn’t kill myself. I needed to be here for this baby and I needed to get better for this baby. So I tried, I did what I had to.. And you beat your ass I got out of that situation. I began to feel SO much better about myself. I moved in with my boyfriend, I was happy and doing so much better! My baby was growing and we found out it was a boy! Yay! I didn’t have depression again til after my son was born. Removing yourself from bad, negative and hurtful situations can really make you a lot happier. Even if it’s living with your family this is causing it. 

The second face of my depression. Post-Partum (with my first) 

  1. Sporadic uncontrollable crying (ranging from hours to even minutes)
  2. Loneliness even with support around
  3. Suicidal Thoughts 
  4. Hopelessness 
  5. Feeling Overwhelmed 
  6. Neglecting your newborns needs 
  7. Frustration with your baby and/or yourself 

Symptoms range so far that I can’t list all of them or I would be here for days. But I can give you a link to someone that did take the time to list them! Which can be founddddd Right here! longish read but a life-saver. 

Things eventually got better even though I personally believe that PPD is so much worse than regular depression (at least for me) I got through it without antidepressants. I did find out I had a thyroid problem though. So ladies, as always and forever will I say… GET YOUR THYROID CHECKED. Moving on.. 

Third Face of my depression.. Feeling like a burden, a nuisance and feeling hopeless. 

That was my depression right there. I didn’t even know it. I just thought I was a problem and I could fix it. I was having a ton of health problems and we couldn’t find the answer to them. My son was 13 months old and I was having mini and not so mini strokes. I couldn’t be left alone, I was passing out but nothing showed up. No answers were ever found and NOT ONE doctor took me seriously. Something was wrong and I knew it. I still think something is wrong. But I’ve burdened everyone with my problems so now id rather keep it to myself. My seizures stopped and then I found out I was pregnant a couple months later (I was 5 weeks). I’ll be damned if I’m not right but I honest to god believe this little girl saved my life. But this wasn’t the end of my depression, because my health problems kicked into full force! Pregnancy problems? Ooooh yeah. She saved my life but I had to pay the price lol from 16 weeks on I was in pre-term labor but was told they couldn’t do anything and I should just stay home if I miscarry. I was told this til 20 weeks when I was put on bed rest for dilating to 1 cm. This bed rest extended to the end of my pregnancy. Then I got UTI’s, doctor visits 2 times a week, bladder infection, hospital visits for food poisoning which made me dehydrated since I couldn’t keep anything down which caused labor, gestational diabetes, no sex drive, morning sickness that required medication, heartburn that required medication, and then we ended with pre-eclampsia at 34 weeks. Steroid shots and hospital for as long as we could go. Believe me when I say that I felt so fucking hopeless and terrible I would cry myself to sleep every night. I couldn’t get up and even make myself food without getting contractions and crying. Then crying because I was such a burden to my SO and grandpa. I couldn’t even play with my son. It was a different kind of depression. It was maddening. My baby girl was born at 36 weeks exactly and was as healthy as can be!

4th and so far final stage of my depression. Uncontrollable Anger and a lot of underlying Sadness. (PPD) 

I need to start off by saying this because I can’t tell you how important it is. This is not just PPD caused. This IS a face of depression. 

  1. Uncontrollable Anger (suddenly getting angry at something that you know would never have made you angry before. Also, building anger over everything that anyone does or says. Also also, the inability to calm down and think reasonably about why your angry)
  2. Intrusive Thoughts… Some articles I’ve read and found SUPER helpless can be found Here andddddd the first part of This helped me understand what I was feeling was normal and I wasn’t alone. This has been a really hard one for me. 
  3. Jesus Christ! Just feeling so livid all the time over nothing or over everything and anyone! 
  4. Easily Frustrated 
  5. Memory Loss (could be part of my thyroid problem.. Either one or even both actually)
  6. Frustration over loud noise or too much going on 
  7. Very extremely easily overwhelmed (a lot of “y” going on there ha) 
  8. Loss of interests 
  9. Tired, dragging feeling 
  10. Rather stay in bed and not do anything 
  11. Disconnecting from SO and/or children. 
  12. Pushing SO and/or children away. 

I can’t tell you how frustrating it is to always be frustrated and angry. It’s not fun for me and it’s not fun for anyone else around me. But just know that you aren’t alone and a lot of people don’t think their anger could be caused by PPD. Like I said before.. Depression has many faces. I started out with the baby blues (uncontrollable sporadic crying, just plain  sad and helpless) my SO’s was working a really crappy schedule and wasn’t ever home to comfort me our son and our newborn baby. I felt alone and I couldn’t handle it. I cried 24/7 randomly. During a show, when my SO left, when I texted him, when he didn’t text back fast enough, when my show ended, etc) i got on antidepressants at 8 weeks PP because I was done with that and I didn’t even want to try and suffer through it. Well, my throid went to hell and back and is still going enough that it could become a “frequent flyer” and earn points to fly free..  of course it’s on me. Once I got it what we thought was grounded.. I got on phentermine to loose allllll that weight my thyroid and my pregnancy made me gain. With just my luck I had to get off of my antidepressants because as explained to me I would become a crazy psychotic mother (preeeettyy sure my kids and SO already think I am oops) and possibly kill everyone. Literally. So I had a choice. Happy Pill (be unhappy with my weight as I already was) orrrr Magic Weightloss Pill(loose weight and feel better about myself and get married being skinnier). Before you judge.. I and a lot of others with thyroid problems are seriously unable to loose weight without help because of a thyroid problem. I chose Phentermine over my antidepressant well knowing I wasn’t ready to get off of them. I was having health problems starting shortly after I gave birth (before medication swap) and found out my mother had MS and so did my grandmother. I wanted to be tested but again wasn’t being taken seriously because of my age even though my mother was diagnosed at 21. So I gave up. I would still love to be tested and find out but oh well I guess. Let’s just find out when it’s too late yeah? Welcome to America, where we care but not til it’s right in our faces and too hard to ignore any longer! 

Fast forward a couple months. My depression came back and I didn’t realize it. Why? Because I always thought it was when you are SAD and that’s about it. I didn’t know what depression really was and I wish I had. It took away for me to actually start researching my symptoms because they kept getting worse and new ones were starting. Like terrible intrusive thoughts. I’ve held this in for so long because when someone is having the thoughts I am, I assumed they would throw me in the loony bin and/or stop trusting me to be alone with my children. Because of this I felt I should keep it to myself and suffer alone. Which is how THIS momma felt as well. I have a terrible time talking to my SO about my feelings because I feel dismissed when I’ve tried. So bottling this up was excruciating but something I ultimately felt necessary or I would feel worse because he didn’t care. Ive tried several times but when I start I get no response or support so I close down hard. How do I even address that? How do I open up to the person who is suppose to be my best friend when I strongly feel like they don’t care? How is this relationship even suppose to work? 

The anger part: I get so angry over anything and everything. I can’t calm down no matter how hard I try. It just progresses and nothing helps. I get frustrated with myself, my kids, my SO, the way someone walks or talks, my business, my life. I feel so terrible when I get upset with my kids. They don’t know any better and I know that. But my anger is out of control to the point I CANT function or think with the crying. I’m such a terrible mother and my kids deserve better. I want to be better. My SO has been out of his job for 2 months roughly and I’ve been going crazy. I’ve been picking up and cleaning up after everyone this whole time. Cooking meals, putting of my work, trying to balance my time ALL BY MYSELF. Waiting hand and foot on everyone and trying to get help with the kids but expected to still be in the mood. I feel alone and overwhelmed and no one gives a flying fuck. Hmm that’s funny. My thyroid is swollen and pops, it hurts and is probably making my depression worse. I have no sex drive, I’m loosing my hair(hair, eyebrow hair, only plus is my leg hair isn’t grow fast at all!), I can’t remember hardly anything, and bleh bleh bleh. I have no insurance, I have no money and I’m almost out of medication. I don’t even know what to do lol. Not really but I’ve got to laugh about it or all go ape shit (: 

Oh god I can’t even talk about this shit anymore! Sooooo angry. You see what I mean? I’m laying in bed its 2:30 am everyone is asleep and THIS is making me fucking want to SCREAM. Be happy you don’t know me ladies ☺️☺️☺️☺️☺️☺️

Back on Track! Phen Log!

(5/20) 143.0 

20 lbs pounds lost so far, thank god. 

Okay so this isn’t a lot but it means I’m loosing weight again! Last time I checked in I wasn’t losing anything. I didn’t feel like logging since because I gained a pound and I was moody about it. But it’s gone! 😍 it’s so crazy that every pound makes you feel great when your trying to loose weight. My weight loss progress the first time I was on it was so much faster and easier. This time I feel like it’s taking ages.. That I don’t have because of the wedding! And it’s been a lot harder on my body. I feel so sick all the time and it’s hard to eat. I’ve also noticed I’ve been incredibly overly mad all the time. I honestly think that my depression is coming back. I was doing extremely well for a month or two though! I’ve read that if you aren’t ready to get off of your anti depressants and you do any ways you can relapse. I know I wasn’t ready but being a girl it’s hard to be overweight. So it was either.. Be on antidepressants and be up happy with myself or take phentermine and deal with the real possibility of PPD coming back again. Fuck. Why can’t I just be happy and have things work. 

(5/24) My thyroid is off again, BIG SURPRISE THERE. It’s so swollen that it’s pushing against my throat. Whenever I push on it, it make a weird noise and pops. I’m having a really hard time sleeping at night, I can’t fall asleep no matter how hard I try. I’ve been getting about 4-5 hours of sleep a night. Really starting to catch up to me, mentally and physically. Guys. Being a girl sucks. 

Maggie’s birth story!

I had a nightmare pregnancy with my second child. I was set to graduate high school and I couldn’t leave the toilet long enough for one class period, I had contractions early on and my doctor said that if I were to go into labor before 25 weeks there would be nothing that they could do for me and I should just wait it out at home.. and my school was in another city, so commuting was just not in my favor. My son was a little over 2 and I toke him to school with me and I was just ugh. I almost didn’t graduate honestly.
I had also just started my own business and I had to put that on hold. Actually the funny part is a WEEK after I graduated I went into pre-term labor because my SO wanted to go to the zoo for his birthday and really wanted me to go, it was his birthday come on. I couldn’t say no and feel bad about not spending the day with him on his 19th birthday.. I knew that it wasn’t a good idea and I knew that it wasn’t going to be pleasant I mean I  couldn’t even get up and make dinner without having contractions that made me cry.. How was this going to work. About 10 minutes into walking they started, I put my sunglasses on and just tried to be a big girl and suck it up. I walked through that whole freaking zoo. It’s a zoo, its huge. I was dying, and I had to finally say something because I thought I was in labor. I was bawling but still trying not to make a big scene. We walked clear across the zoo back to the car and they wanted to go eat.. So we went up the canyon and went to a little cafe, the food was super good but I was having overbearingly contractions the whole time. I was crying (sunglasses) and trying to massage my tummy. I knew I wasn’t in full labor because there wasn’t much pressure down in my pelvic region. After going home I slept it off and went to my OB in the morning.. I was dilated to a tight 3 and 60% effaced i think? So I was put on bed rest. I had contractions every time I got up to do anything small or big. I was so miserable because I couldn’t get up and play with my son, I couldn’t clean, bend over, go outside, be human. So I purchased a awesome thing called a TV for my room and signed right up for Netflix. I seriously was so tired of being in bed or on the couch all the time. I had to wake up and take my thyroid medicine and drink a cup of coffee, if I didn’t I would have migraines the rest of the day. I was so annoyed and unhappy and just done. 
A month later, the 4th of July..We went out to a parade in the morning and you guessed it I was contracting so bad we almost went in the hospital. I got home and laid down in bed preparing for the night ahead. We went to my SO’s families house for fireworks and a really yummy BBQ! Contractions were there for sure. The whole night I thought I was just sweating super bad. I got home and it was still going.. It was still GOING. OMG. I was contacting, there was pressure and my water.. omg omg omg. I laid down, put a pad on and tried to lay it out lol okay that was a poor pun. It gradually stopped and I knew that my water had broken but it stopped.. Sooo what was going on? I called the hospital and because I was laying down and my contractions weren’t consitant they said to just keep myself clean, no sex, bathes, or soap near my vagina. I went in to my OB after the weekend and the confirmed my water had torn at the top but any remaining amniotic fluid that had leaked out was gone because I waited so long to get tested. Usually when it tears at the top it heals up and is fine..
A few weeks later I got diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes which resulted in having to test my glucose levels 4 times a day when waking up and 2 hours after eating each meal. I had to go to a Diabetes clinic and get on a meal plan. All of those pregnancy cravings and free passes? Don’t even think about it. I had a certain amount of points I was able to eat per meal/snack and had to read labels before buying anything. If there was more than half the sugar in the carbs I couldn’t eat it. omg not even done yet. I had to go all the way out to my OB 2 times a week which is in AF and I live in Provo for stress tests and to manage my levels which were not being managed. I was doing everything they told me and not splurging, eating out or anything.. My levels were still super super high. I got put on insulin pills but the pills said that you shouldn’t take them 2 weeks before delivering. UH OKAY. I’m in preterm labor 34 weeks and we are talking about induction.. but you want to put me on medication that says not to take under my circumstances. Well still on bed rest.
Rewind to 30 weeks.. this is when we started worrying about pre-eclampsia.. I was in the hospital for a kidney infection and literally was screaming in pain which is when we found the high protein in my urine. I had to do urine collections for 24 hours 2 different times and at 33 weeks we knew pre-eclampsia was coming and I was going to get induced early. I was put in the hospital at 35 weeks and got steroid shots for my little one and those seriously sucked lol I wouldn’t take it back but seriously I wouldn’t want to do that again. I didn’t even know that a shot could hurt that bad. That night I woke up in the middle of the night and my pulse was racing, I felt like I was going to pass out and my blood sugar was out of this world high, the baby wasn’t moving much either. I went back to sleep and in the morning called the hospital, they had forgot to tell me that this would be normal with the shots and my gestational diabetes. Thanks guys.
Right at 36 weeks I went in to my doctor, by this time I was in the doctors office 3-4 times a week. He took my blood pressure, I did the usual pee in a cup and he looked at my blood sugar levels. He told me that I needed to go over to the hospital that day and we would begin the induction BUT Maggie would most likely end up in the NICU because how young she was. I asked if we could go get a few things and shower. He told me that it was fine just hurry.. I went and got a Brazilian wax touch up lol anddd off to the hospital! Finally! I was so nervous and scared but excited. It was just a huge rush of emotions. I was worried about the NICU but a part of me knew that she would be completely fine. SO off we went! We said goodbye to Ezra my oldest and headed off the hospital. When I got there and they started the induction they told me that I had to be on a magnesium drip with the pitocin and it was probably going to slow my labor down a lot because they fight against each other. Dr. Young came in and told me to expect a early morning baby probably around 3-4 in the morning. What, I didn’t want to wait that long lol. He was in his basketball shorts and shirt lol He was going to play basketball? LOL. After he broke my water and left, they asked me if I wanted my epidural and I couldn’t really feel anything so I said no and then 10 mins later I called the nurse saying that I was in alot of pain.. She told me that the anesthesiologist was 15 mins out, that itself was just a long time to wait haha! The guy took 40 MINS TO GET TO THE HOSPITAL WTF. He gave me the epidural and guess what? YEP IT DIDN’T FREAKING WORK. He took so long to get there that he was still in the room when I gave birth lol I was so uncomfortable and in so much pain, but personally I felt like a dealt with it like a champ. My nurse checked my cervix literally right after I got my epidural and told me I was at 7 cm and I was like noooo I am having sooooo much pressure down there I can feel everything and I know that she’s coming now. And she didn’t believe me. She checked again 5 mins later after me sitting there through contractions nagging her that I know her SHE’S COMING and  low and behold was she surprised.. MAGGIE’S HEAD WAS RIGHT THERE. She told me not to push the doctor wasn’t there yet, keep in mind my epidual wasn’t working. oh guess what, it worked right after I gave birth. wtf. okay But the whole NICU team was in there just waiting for the baby… and I was waiting for the doctor and the baby wasn’t waiting for anyone lol Dr. Young told me I could have a baby today or tomorrow (it was 11;54pm) haha funny one doc! I chose now! I was in labor for 2 and a half hours. No more babies if I have to do that again. BUT she came out just fine despite what everyone thought. 5 lbs and 15 ounces! No nicu time! Because of my medication it made her eyes swollen at birth and I was a little uh.. lets say worried they would stay like that. It wasn’t her fault but it wasn’t too attractive lol

The only thing that sucked is because of my magnesium drip I had to keep my catheter in for 24 hours to make sure things were okay and working properally. I also had to have blood pressure cuffs on my legs to make sure I didn’t get blood clots. They were super annoying and were constantly waking me up with the loud errrrrrrrrrr sound as they filled up and then kushhh, kushhh, kushhh as it released the air and the beeeeep of the reading. The next morning the Dr. that sent me to get induced came in and was seriously surprised that my daughter was in the room and okay. I let him hold her and he couldn’t believe how small she was! Let’s just say I was glad to be released and go home to my little family. 

 She was born exactly one month early. August 24, 2015! Weighing 5 pounds and 15 ounces and a short 18 and a half inches long! She was born at 11:54 pm ❤
I suppose the only problem that we had with her was she had a hard time regulating her body temperature because of how small she was. After the hospital she had jaundice, which at first I wasn’t worried about because Ezra had it mildly and we gave him water and it went away. It didn’t with Maggie though, it just kept going up and then it shot up. We had to get a bilirubin bed, all I could do was cry that she had to be in there all day. I couldn’t stand the fact that I had to just sit there and watch her but I couldn’t love her and hold her.. I was happy that it only took one night in the bed to get it to go down. No more bed (: She’s perfectly perfect now, 8 months old and 18 and a half pounds! Oh my, liquid gold ladies (;

Phen log 4/13-4/21

(4/13) 149.2 I’ve hit a brick wall? I can’t loose any weight lol wtf. I’ve been feeling a bit better the past few days! It took long enough but I think my body is getting use to the phentermine again. Takes time right? I’ve noticed a increase in my almost non existent sex drive. It’s been nice and really good for my SO and I to be connecting on that level again. Let me be the first to tell you that sex is a HUGE part in a relationship. No matter how much anyone says it’s not or says it shouldn’t be.. It is. 

(4/14) 148.6                                                     Not much but it is something right? Lol 

(4/21) 145.0 

Oh yes. I am 20 pounds away from my ending goal. I can’t wait! Omg. Omg. Omg. I can’t believe this is really happening. I have been drinking a lot of Sprite lately because without I feel sick and can’t eat. They said its normal though so I will continue to drink Sprite and keep in under lock and keep! (Sometimes I forget or run out and that sucks).. Hmmm I dont think I’ve been having other symptoms.. So here’s that! I think the rest is my thyroid. 20 to go! 

Living with Hypothyroidism

When you get diagnosed with a thyroid problem it doesn’t seem like a big deal at first. You have so many things that are wrong with you that a “thyroid problem” is the least of them. It’s not though, it truly sucks. I wish that it would just go away and never come back, but everyone wishes that about a lot of things. So many women go everyday without knowing they have a thyroid problem, but knowing that something is wrong. Over the years after being diagnosed I’ve noticed so many women complaining about the same symptoms that I had and when I ask them they don’t even know what it is or what it does. I honestly didn’t even know I had a “Thyroid Gland” until I had a baby.

Before I had kids there was nothing wrong with me, well health wise anyways LOL, just kidding. I was a health active teenager who was very sports oriented. But when I got pregnant a lot of things starting going wrong. It was probably because my body wasn’t ready to carry a baby, OOPS. After my oldest was born I lost almost all of my pregnancy weight and I had just started to feel good about myself at then it came pounding back, no pun intended lol. I was gaining so much weight everywhere and I didn’t know what to do. Nothing was working or even helping in the slightest. I just kept gaining all this weight and seriously I felt like all I could do was sit and watch it pack on. I started feeling sick and having headaches, I was cramping, loosing hair, I couldn’t sleep, I was ALWAYS hungry, and super emotional to the point it was hard to function. I felt so lost and alone. I finally made the decision to go back to my OB and figure this out because something was obviously wrong. Maybe I was pregnant? I made an appointment and my regular Obstetrician was booked so I went with a Nurse Practitioner, worse mistake ever. Okay not ever but seriously why did I do that. I had one of my friends take me to my appointment because my fiance (boyfriend at the time) was at work in payson and was unable to get it off. We did an ultrasound and my endometrium was super thick after I had just had my period which is super abnormal. I met with the NP after and we went over the results and she automatically just jumped in telling me that I shouldn’t have a kid, I’m too young, and basically just bashing on me. Then she tells me 2 options of why my endometrium is so thick and pretty much leaves it at that. Bitch.

1. A VERY EARLY ON PREGNANCY

2. CANCER

She told me to go get my blood drawn for a blood pregnancy test and then we will go from there. I was so beyond scared at this point that I didn’t know what to do. My son wasn’t even a year and I didn’t want another baby for while, but I sure as HELL did not want to have cancer. So I hoped and prayed for that pregnancy test to come back positive. I was at school when they called me a couple days later. It was right in the middle of class, I had explained to my teacher to circumstances and I was going to a young mothers school so they are all super understanding. I stepped out to take the call, it was only the lab that called me so they had no idea what was going on. She told me that the test was negative and I broke down bawling, this poor lady on the phone had no idea what to do and probably thought I was crazy for crying over a negative pregnancy test at 17 lol I tried calling my boyfriend over and over again but he was at work. I just sat there bawling not knowing what to do. I obviously couldn’t go back into class crying like this.. so I just sat. I felt like my whole world was falling apart. My teacher came out and bless her heart comforted me while I just fell to pieces.

I decided it was probably best to go back to see MY doctor and find out what the next step was. I was nervous and prepared for the worst, he told me we needed to get a ton of blood work done before we could confirm that it was cancer. More blood work, great. I got it drawn and anxiously waited for them to call and tell me everything was okay. Again a couple days later I got a call from the lab, my white blood cells were just fine! My thyroid levels were incredible off though. I didn’t really know what the meant so I scheduled a appointment and went in again. He told me that I did NOT have cancer, I had hypothyroidism. I was SO HAPPY. I didn’t even know what it was but thank god it wasn’t cancer. The rest of the visit was simple and easy. I got put on a synthetic thyroid hormone and because I was severely overweight I was prescribed “Phentermine” (which I have another blog post about). I was lucky to have got the right dose of Levothyroxine (The synthetic thyroid hormone medication) and all I had to do was get my blood tested once a month every month. I started loosing weight, feeling better, and being better.

BUT THEN i got pregnant with my youngest a year later and boy that just sent it all over the place after my daughter was born. I got tested and it was waaaay too high and so they put me on a .50 dose of medication and I tested again and it was waaaaaaay too low. Then it was .50 dose 4 times a week and .75 dose 3 times a week. I couldn’t loose ANY pregnancy weight and stuck right at the weight I delivered at. Again I got put on phentermine weighing in at 165.6, 2 ounces heavier than before lol.

Waking up everyday and knowing that I wouldn’t be able to eat for at least 30 minutes no matter how hungry I am sucks. After taking my medication it requires 30 minutes to dissolve on an empty stomach. It sucks. Medication can only do so much so I still feel so what crummy and my hormones are always all over the place. Weight is a big issue for women, I can’t loose any weight by myself. Not even dieting, exercising or both. I would much rather be on medication for it though.

MY PERSONAL SYMPTOMS: Headaches, fatigue, hair loss, constipation, no sex drive what so ever, weight gain, hormonal, depression and irregular uterine bleeding(Not sure if it’s due to my birth control, the depo shot orrrrr my thyroid problem)

I wish that people knew more about thyroid problems and how much it can affect your everyday life. It doesn’t matter if you are old or young. If you have any symptoms, especially if you’ve gave birth.. GO GET CHECKED. ITS A SIMPLY BLOOD TEST!

Click below to see if you have symptoms of hypothyroidism.

EVERY SINGLE SYMPTOM THERE IS!

Links to read further on what it is and what it do:

Hypothyroidism (Underactive Thyroid)

Less Common Symptoms

 

“You call that parenting?”

We live in a world where if things are done someone’s way it’s automatically bad parenting. There are so many things that I want to say about this because it honestly just makes my blood boil. I do have a hard time with it, I am a young mother and frequently get judged for just my age alone. Then comes the criticizing comments about parenting. The stares and whispers. It use to bother me and reeeeally get to me, but I’ve overcome it because I know I AM a good parent. I know that if don’t do things the way YOU do them, I am still a good parent. I am an awesome parent at that.

I’m very aware that I haven’t been able to experience “grown up” things for very long. As a matter of fact I was thrown into the thorns at 15. I had to grow and learn by myself with my SO. We as children set out to do the best we could learning all we could along the way before our child was born in 9 short but long months. So many people tried interfering and putting their two sense into the matter, but we knew how we wanted to do things and we tried our hardest not to listen to them. My whole pregnancy I listened to people say I should give my baby up for adoption, I was a whore for getting pregnant, me and my SO would NOT work out, the baby was better off with another family who was able to provide more. It really got to me, I can’t deny that. But as the baby grew inside me I knew more and more every day what I should do. He was mine, and no one was going to take that away from me. 

Growing up, my family was very set in their ways and kinda made me the same way. Good hygiene and proper etiquette were a must. So hearing other parents well you know.. Parenting.. Has been hard for me. One of the biggest things I have encountered is to circumcise or not. I HAD NO CLUE that people didn’t circumcise their children. At all! I’m serious! So while I was going to my young mothers school, we were apart of the daycare there for our children. Which included changing diapers every other period. I happened to fall on the “other” period lol my first boy diaper I changed was a little boy who was 3 1/2 years old. I was astonished. I did not no what to do… I changed him and went and talked to the daycare lady.. And she told me a lot of people choose not to circumcise! I was, gosh what’s the right word?! We will go with mindblown. Then, a week later.. I had a Latina girl I went to school with come up to me and ask me what was wrong with my sons penis. What. What. What. I again just had to sit there. What. Oh my lord. She had never seen a circumcised penis before. I didn’t know what to say lol she asked my why I chose to circumcise my son. I knew that part of course! 

1. Cleanliness. Because I don’t care if you are gods most prized best parent out there.. Boys ARE boys. Stinky, sweating, overdue for a shower, BOYS. They are lazy in their teens and some way on til they die! If they don’t want to clean. They won’t. And I know a few like that. There is so much bacteria and nasty sitting down there, if the skin isn’t cut it just sits there, unless of course the guy cleans. If not, that bacteria causes infections, swelling, pain, and sometimes even serious problems. Yeast infections are quite common in uncircumcised males. The part that reeeeally gets me is all of that yummy bacteria is sitting there UNTIL inter course. Oh yes, you guessed it. Oh lord, hold on a sec gotta go vomit. 

2. Appearance 

Yes. Appearance. Have you ever seen a soft uncircumcised penis? If not consider yourself blessed. Maybe I’m just a selfish inconsiderate woman, but I’d like to have the thing entering my body look somewhat please and CLEAN. But that’s not in this section lol talking to my SO about it, he told me that in his football and track teams there were 2-3 people uncircumcised. They were mildly made fun of and kinda embarrassed. Talking to girlfriends, a lot of these said they would much rather be with a circumcised man. 

3. Other reasons!

I hate. Hate hate hate. HATE. When mothers bring up the “torture” part of it. “It’s torture and should be illegal because it’s cutting of the most sensitive part of a mans body.” Come on. His penis is still sensitive. Still there, just not as much skin. Why are you even thinking about his future sex life? Lol. My SO other says sex is still great being circumcised. Soooo don’t worry he’s not suffering sexually. I have got this one thrown in my face plenty of times!

The other “torture” is people saying “Well could you imagine your clit being cut off because it’s the most sensitive part on your body. But you don’t see people don’t that, it’s illegal in the United States.” Yes my friends, I have infact had someone say that to me. A women’s clit isn’t going to change anything with cleanliness, appearance, or health wise. Sexually yes. But I DID NOT  choose to circumcise to “punish” my son sexually. Come on people. 

That’s just one of the MANY things people get so defensive about. Tell me I’m wrong or hurting my son. I’m “stupid” because I choose to circumcise. I don’t tell you your retarded. Your not and its YOUR choice. I have my reasons and you have yours. No need to bicker about something that’s already done and is something you should do at birth.

It bugs me that parenting HAS to be what people want or it’s automatically just shitty. 

Like there are SO many topics that people judge on and try to put their two sense with! It’s annoying is it not? I’ve got bashed for piercing my baby’s ears at a month old. My age for being a mother, No jacket in the middle of the day, co-sleeping with my little girl, Physically punishing my son- there’s a huge difference between punishing and abusing, breastfeeding in public, disaplining in public, and literally SO much more. 

Parent your child and not anyone else’s! Don’t be so quick to judge other parents, instead try and understand! That doesn’t mean you have to agree. 

People suck. 

While I grew up I had a lot of horrendous things happen to me. I had people do things that they would be embarrassed if I let the world know. Hell I have things I’d be embarrassed to share with you guys! I want to write a book so badly. But i know if I write a memoir so many family members will be upset. I’m young and I want to write the book while I still remember what happened to me. I feel like as time goes on I forget more and more details I once knew. Why is it that I am unable to write my life because other people are embarrassed about their actions? I’m trying to start living by the mentality of “If you didn’t want it out there for anyone to know, you shouldn’t have said it and you shouldn’t have done it.” It’s my life and I really shouldn’t be limited to protect other people’s egos. What about mine and what about them not protecting it all those years ago?! 

Nope. To them it’s completely different. Things are so once sided because they are older and more experienced. Hm. What to do…? 

My struggles, troubles and triumphs using Phentermine! 

At the age of 16, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I gained so much weight after I had my son and no matter what I did I couldn’t lose a single pound. Right before I went to the doctor my hypothyroidism was so bad I was gaining around a pound everyday. I was at my heaviest and I felt hopeless. I had heard about a medication by the name of “phentermine” that was guaranteed to shed the weight off. Now phentermine is used in extremely obese people, but it can also help women with thyroid problems lose the weight that has stuck around for waaaay to long. Once we identified that my thyroid was the problem, we made a plan. We would start my thyroid medication and make sure I was on the right dose, after about a month I would get my levels checked and if everything was okay I could start my weight-loss journey. I was seriously so excited, it was a looooong month. I started “Phentermine” on October 3, 2014 weighing in at 164.3 pounds. Which was only 3 pounds from my ending pregnancy weight with my son, Ezra. The first couple days of starting the medication were a blur, my body obviously wasn’t use to it and was trying to adjust. It took me about 4 days to get adjusted enough to be okay on my own. It was making me high, my doctor said it could be the mix of my thyroid medication and the phentermine. He gave me the option to quit or try and wait it out. My weight was so important to me that I stuck it out. And it was only a day later I adjusted to it. It wasn’t easy and it was kind of embarrassing. It doesn’t happen to everyone, but my doctor said it does happen to quite a few. My journey finally started. I was so anxious I weighed myself probably twice a day trying to see just how well it was working, overkill I know. In a month I went from 164.3 to 146.7! I started having “epidodes” and mild Schizophrenia. I was in the hospital a couple times for what was described as a “seizure”. My whole body went numb and I lost feeling. If I tried to move a limb it felt like a thousand pounds. I struggled to lift it and I would start shaking and I couldn’t keep it up for very long. I could talk after about an hour into whatever it was I was having. I regained feeling in my body slowly but about 2-3 hours later. After the 2nd time in the hospital and no answers I didn’t want to go anymore. When I got the bill in the mail I had been charged for probably every drug test there was. I then knew, that I wasn’t being taken serious at all. I was spent home from the hospital with a UTI. I didn’t even go in for those symptoms. So I waited my seizures out at home, I was done with being treated as a junkie. The worst part is, even though every SINGLE test came back NEGATIVE these still made me pay for all of them. I scheduled an appointment with a neurologist to try and sort this out. A month later on the MORNING of my appointment I got a call from them saying I was too “young” to see a regular neurologist, I had to go see a Pediatric Neurologist. So up we went, to the only Pediatric Nero. at Primary Children’s Hospital. By this time it was already early January 2015, the Doctor told me he didn’t know what it was, there were a few possibilities but he didn’t know. I did ask if it was the phentermine and he told me it was not. I went back to OB-GYN and he told me the same thing, whatever it was it wasn’t the phentermine. I was so frustrated with everything I just gave up on finding answers. Before I stopped phentermine I weighed 133 pounds! That was 7 POUNDS away from my pre-pregnancy weight! Another month passed and that whole month I was seizure free, and then we found out why.. I was pregnant! The episodes started before I got pregnant so we ruled out that the pregnancy was causing them. I personally believe that my pregnancy had stopped them. I haven’t had a single seizure sense then. I was however worried that I had been taking phentermine 2 months into my pregnancy. We got a whole ton of test done which, were able to tell us the sex of the baby very early on! I was so excited but yet so scared something would come back wrong with my baby because of the phentermine. I stopped cold turkey the day I found out I was pregnant but that still left the two months I hadn’t known about. Luckily the test came back normal and the sex was a girl! I was 12 weeks when we found out and 10 weeks when I took the tests. My thyroid stayed the same the whole pregnancy, it was a very very hard pregnancy though. After I gave birth my thyroid went crazy again and I has taken forever to get it back settled down. I was breastfeeding and dealing with heavy post-partum depression. My boyfriend had gotten a new job that required a very inconvenient schedule for 6 weeks of training. He worked from 1:00 pm to 9:30 pm Monday-Friday. Our baby was about a month old and being alone all the time was hard. I was prescribed anti-depressants and had to up my dose a couple times but then I started to feel better. I was on them for 6 and a half months before I decided I wanted to loose weight. Now before I started my phentermine I felt like I should google interactions with my anti-depressants and phen. The results were terrible, and I was so glad I had caught the interaction before taking the meds together which I was literally just about to do. Around 2 weeks ago I went to the doctor to finally get my thyroid settled and I got back on my original dose. And asked about the interaction just to confirm I couldn’t. I knew I wasn’t ready to stop taking my anti-depressants but I knew I would just be unhappy with myself because of the way I looked. He confirmed that the two meds together were not okay, he said he had only prescribed them together once and it had made the woman crazy. She started feeling suicidal, and eventually lost custody of her children. I also inquired about breastfeeding and phen, he didn’t have a problem prescribing the medication still. When I went in I weighed 165 pounds. Right back where we started right? I started phentermine again on March 6, 2016, I researched and researched all over the Internet about phentermine and breastfeeding, I absolutely did not want to stop breastfeeding and had already made my mind up that I would choose Breastfeeding over Phen. At my daughters 6 month check up, I was happy to find that her pediatrician okay’d phen while breastfeeding. I told him what I’d found on the internet and everything. So what I have to say to all of you, is listen to YOUR doctor, whether it’s your child’s pediatrician or your family practitioner THEY KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING. While doing my research I freaked myself out reading things other moms posted on websites, it then dawned on it that they had no idea what they were talking about. They didn’t take phen while breastfeeding and they don’t have a bachelors degree. Surprising enough every other medical article I read that was written by a professional didn’t bash on it. So I asked, and it was answered! Breast is best and now I get to have the best of both worlds without worrying about my daughters health! She’s been doing perfect, still gaining weight, NO decreased appetite like some of those moms had said, NO “jitters” or “shaking” at ALL. I had freaked myself out of absolutely nothing. Phentermine isn’t the easiest thing to take, but to me it’s worth it. With my thyroid problem it’s pretty much once the weight is there it’s not going to go away. Not with clean eating, not with exercise, not without help. Living with hypothyroidism sucks and it’s not easy. Your thyroid does so much more than you realize, and it’s not fun. This second time I have been on Phentermine I started logging my success and symptoms and will continue along the way. I hope that my journey and experiences with phentermine are able to help better your decision on whether to start your journey or not

.

 -With lots of love Mo. 
(3/6) Starting weight: 164.6

Day 1: Aggressive long lasting high feeling like with Percocet, subsided a bit with a meal. Shaky feeling most of the day. Lots of energy. Lower 50 dose of thyroid taken. No antidepressant day 1 without. 

(3/7) 162.4 : 2.2 pounds lost

Day 2: No high at all, weighed after breakfast. Heart beat seems faster. Higher 75 dose of thyroid taken. No antidepressant, day 2 without. 

(3/8) 159.6 : 5 pounds lost 

Day 3: No high, tummy feels upset.. Loose stool. Day 3 without antidepressants.. feeling a bit down. Went to the doctor for thyroid and antidepressants. Unable to take antidepressants due to high chances of a bad reaction between phen and the antidepressants. Sad but it will be okay, I know I wasn’t ready to come off of them though. Snappy and really short temper, I think it’s withdrawal symptoms.  

(3/9) 158.9 : 5.7 pounds lost 

Day 4: No high, I think we are past that. Tummy still upset, loose stool. Day 4 without antidepressants, happier today. 

(3/13) 158.2: 6.4 pounds lost 

Day 8: Anti depressants are almost out of system.. Very emotional and having a hard time. 

(3/16) 157.8: 6.8 pounds lost 

Day 11: Just got over the stomach flu, been hard to eat. Super shaky, lots of energy. Super short tempered and super emotional. 

(3/22) 154.5 10.1 pounds lost! 

Day 17: Wow, over the last week I have began to have SO much energy. I used to sleep in til 11-12 which is hard to do with 2 kids. But I felt unable to wake up, now I’m up before the kids sometimes! Today I was up at 8 and wasn’t tired enough to fall back asleep! I rarely find myself sleeping in til 10. I’m usually up at 9:00-9:30 daily! I’ve learned that if I don’t eat a half hour after taking the thyroid and phentermine meds I feel super sick and I’m unable to eat very much the rest of the day. I really should start being on top of eating on time. 

(3/23) —-

Day 18: I feel terrible today, I didn’t eat for two hours because it was so early and cold aaaaand I was super lazy, shame on me. Eating was hard when I actually got to it. Now I’m sitting in the bath because my tummy is so upset. I’ve seriously got to remember to eat exactly 1/2 after taking the medication. Been up since 7…kinda dragging but I am going! Note; I’ve also noticed when I don’t eat, later that day it gets kinda hard to breathe. Maybe it mixed with my asthma? 

(3/26) 152.3 12.3 pounds lost 

Day 22: I think that .75 is too much thyroid medicine. I’m so grumpy and short tempered , it’s so annoying. I’m frustrated. Haha frustrated of being uncontrollably frustrated.

(4/3) 149.0  15.6 pounds lost 

Day: 30: Wow, it’s been over a year since I’ve weighed less than 150, it feels amazing. In one month I’ve lost 15 pounds! It’s crazy and it rocks. I’ve been super emotional I’m not sure if it’s cause my body is still getting use to no anti-depressants? I have noticed that I’ve been exhibiting signs of pregnancy, nothing to do with the phen of course. But I think my birth control is hard core tricking my body into believing it’s pregnant. I just keep getting more and more pregnancy symptoms it’s so weird. I know I’m not pregnant but I guess taking a test to ease my mind would be ideal. I’ve been having heartburn, nausea, cravings, mood swings.. But, I’ve been bleeding for almost 2 months now.. it’s only spotting so I just put a liner on and by the end of the day it just has a line some days are worse than others but it’s still mild. I experienced sleep paralysis for the first time since I was pregnant with Maggie (weird I know but it only happens while I’m pregnant; both pregnancies I’ve had) it’s been so long I forgot how to control it and I freaked out and stopped breathing till I could wake myself up. I’m going to end up writing an article about it for you all to read, so many people experience it daily and don’t understand it. It’s scary but it is manageable. 

 Sprite has honestly become my best friend, it helps keep my stomach settled and allows me to eat normally, even if I don’t eat on time in the morning! Yay! The joys of mommy hood lol I’ve noticed that I’ve been losing weight in the most odd places! The other day I was walking and my feet kept sliding out of my shoes!(slip-on toms) I’ve always had chubbier feet and never been able to wear a lot of shoes but my feet even look skinnier! Odd right? Another place I’ve lost weight.. Not a good one. I’m Caucasian okay, us white people DO NOT I repeat DO NOT usually ever have big booties. If you do have a big booty you have been blessed. I had a tiny butt, now.. My fiancé says I might as well be sitting on my back. Lordy. What do I do?! I better get going on some squats or something lol 

My boobs aren’t a problem, since I’m nursing they still have been getting bigger. I actually just went up a size. I’m now a size E, oh gosh can we like transfer some of that to the no booty I’ve got going on?

 Oh nursing, it’s been going great. From everything I’ve read unprofessional/mothers thoughts.. I’ve experienced nothing like that with Maggie. No increased or decreased feedings, no jitters, no elevated pulse, and that’s all I can think of. She’s lost a couple ounces but that’s because she’s been up and starting to crawl and constantly sitting up. Which is normal. 

Where have we gone?

  I don’t understand why the ego of men gets in the way so often. Why a little tiff can turn into such a big back breaker because he can’t just stop and say sorry. Ego and pride, the downfall of a lot of relationships. I wish that things would be easy and people would stay in love. That relationships would stay “fresh” and the lust would linger forever! The romance would be alive and at its prime!

A family member pointed out to me the other day.. That you are only put/kept on such a high pedestal when they don’t have you, and you aren’t stuck. As soon as your theirs.. That pedestal falls so hard you can’t even comprehend what happened, so it takes a minute from that fall to notice all the small changes. First he stops opening doors for you.. Then there is no more good morning texts/notes. After that follows things like.. Cuddling, telling you that you’re beautiful, saying you look skinny, admiring you, missing each other’s presence so often, running for the door after that long day he’s had at work. Instead, you argue about all the stupid petty things that really do not matter. Looking back 30 years from now do you really think you’ll remember the fight you just had about the way you closed the door? Or loosing a videogame and getting angry? What about the fight that was created over who’s putting the kids to bed? It’s just so frustrating to know that sometimes in a relationship, the fire that was keeping the relationship going, burns out. Yeah I know sometimes it’s not for 20 years, others it’s 2, 5, 10, 30 etc. The point is.. IT HAPPENS. My question is, how do you get it back? How do you get THAT relationship back? You know what I’m talking about, the one where you catch yourself thinking of once and awhile and whisper to yourself how much you miss it. You keep thinking of how much you miss how you were treated and how much he showed you he loved you. The way things used to be and the woeing words he used to whisper to you. If there is a way to lite the flame again.. And NOT let it go out.. Please.. Share it with me. 

– Sincerely a tired woman who wants to feel loved