My MANY faces of Depression. 

I, have had a problem with depression for 3 ish years now. It comes and goes as it pleases and sometimes it masks itself as other things. Why? Why does it do this? It makes me feel like I’m okay and then the next second I just don’t know.

I should probably start at the first face my depression decided to take. Sadness and Self-Harm. I was only 13 years old when I first experienced depression obviously way to young to be dealing with that. But parents, it is possible and actually EXTREMELY common. Parents: Dont you DARE say “it could never happen to my baby” because it CAN. So pay attention. High School is very hard. Not just the homework and learning but socially, I would say is harder than anything else. If you don’t get accepted… if people don’t like you… your fucked. Rumors start getting spread and believe me when I say.. In high school that shit spreads like a damn wildfire. People eat it up then add to it and twist it til it’s just this big monster that can’t be tamed. And you know what people don’t understand? The only person that has to deal with this great big monster.. Is you. Not them. They NEVER stop to think about the repercussions and how they are affecting you. It’s just a big laugh and good time for them. It doesn’t go home with them. It doesn’t live with them every waking moment of the day eating awhile at EVERYTHING you stand for and even the things you don’t stand for, the things they think you stand for. They get to go home and not think about it til the next time they give you shit and then it’s gone yet again. So yeah my depression was caused because of a stupid rumor that I later found out he only started because quote on quote here “I thought it would be funny.” YOU FUCKING LITTLE SHIT. YOU GOD DAMN LITTLE PRICK. YOU RUINED MY HIGH SCHOOL EXPERIENCE BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUNNY?! Are you seriously seriously right meow. Then I had troubles at home, no support and guidance and bleh bleh bleh. I had no friends and no outings and bleh bleh bleh. I didn’t even have cable at home. I had nothing. I just kept sinking and no one seemed to care or notice. So I started self-harming. My thighs because obviously I didn’t want to be sent to the psych ward which is exactly what my family would have done. So I hid it and didn’t talk about it. Sinking sinking sinking this poor little 13 year old girl just fucking sinking and no one even batted an eyelash, let alone threw a life raft to save me. I tried to commit suicide, but my body has such a high tolerance to medications that I woke up fine. A handful of Motrin 200mg and nothing. I look back and I know that it wasn’t my time and I’m so great-full I didn’t succeed. I only got out of the hole I was in because one day I finally just broke down after someone called me a rude name. I literally broke down and started crying. I couldn’t take all of this anymore and I didn’t want to. I couldn’t stop crying and I was embarrassed because I was at school and I couldn’t stop. It was just crying, I was uncontrollably bawling. So I finally was forced to say something. I went to the doctor and I got on antidepressants and I seriously hoped they would make me feel better and get me out of this hole I was in. 2 long weeks. I started to feel a little better and I could actually smile at things. And then, once again my world came tumbling down. I found out I was pregnant. I tried my hardest to stop self-harming but I was just so sad all the time and these hormones that weren’t mine.. They didn’t help. I sank again. I sank even lower but I couldn’t kill myself. I needed to be here for this baby and I needed to get better for this baby. So I tried, I did what I had to.. And you beat your ass I got out of that situation. I began to feel SO much better about myself. I moved in with my boyfriend, I was happy and doing so much better! My baby was growing and we found out it was a boy! Yay! I didn’t have depression again til after my son was born. Removing yourself from bad, negative and hurtful situations can really make you a lot happier. Even if it’s living with your family this is causing it.

The second face of my depression. Post-Partum (with my first)

  1. Sporadic uncontrollable crying (ranging from hours to even minutes)
  2. Loneliness even with support around
  3. Suicidal Thoughts
  4. Hopelessness
  5. Feeling Overwhelmed
  6. Neglecting your newborns needs
  7. Frustration with your baby and/or yourself

Symptoms range so far that I can’t list all of them or I would be here for days. But I can give you a link to someone that did take the time to list them! Which can be founddddd Right here! longish read but a life-saver.

Things eventually got better even though I personally believe that PPD is so much worse than regular depression (at least for me) I got through it without antidepressants. I did find out I had a thyroid problem though. So ladies, as always and forever will I say… GET YOUR THYROID CHECKED. Moving on..

Third Face of my depression.. Feeling like a burden, a nuisance and feeling hopeless. 

That was my depression right there. I didn’t even know it. I just thought I was a problem and I could fix it. I was having a ton of health problems and we couldn’t find the answer to them. My son was 13 months old and I was having mini and not so mini strokes. I couldn’t be left alone, I was passing out but nothing showed up. No answers were ever found and NOT ONE doctor took me seriously. Something was wrong and I knew it. I still think something is wrong. But I’ve burdened everyone with my problems so now id rather keep it to myself. My seizures stopped and then I found out I was pregnant a couple months later (I was 5 weeks). I’ll be damned if I’m not right but I honest to god believe this little girl saved my life. But this wasn’t the end of my depression, because my health problems kicked into full force! Pregnancy problems? Ooooh yeah. She saved my life but I had to pay the price lol from 16 weeks on I was in pre-term labor but was told they couldn’t do anything and I should just stay home if I miscarry. I was told this til 20 weeks when I was put on bed rest for dilating to 1 cm. This bed rest extended to the end of my pregnancy. Then I got UTI’s, doctor visits 2 times a week, bladder infection, hospital visits for food poisoning which made me dehydrated since I couldn’t keep anything down which caused labor, gestational diabetes, no sex drive, morning sickness that required medication, heartburn that required medication, and then we ended with pre-eclampsia at 34 weeks. Steroid shots and hospital for as long as we could go. Believe me when I say that I felt so fucking hopeless and terrible I would cry myself to sleep every night. I couldn’t get up and even make myself food without getting contractions and crying. Then crying because I was such a burden to my SO and grandpa. I couldn’t even play with my son. It was a different kind of depression. It was maddening. My baby girl was born at 36 weeks exactly and was as healthy as can be!

4th and so far final stage of my depression. Uncontrollable Anger and a lot of underlying Sadness. (PPD) 

I need to start off by saying this because I can’t tell you how important it is. This is not just PPD caused. This IS a face of depression. 

  1. Uncontrollable Anger (suddenly getting angry at something that you know would never have made you angry before. Also, building anger over everything that anyone does or says. Also also, the inability to calm down and think reasonably about why your angry)
  2. Intrusive Thoughts… Some articles I’ve read and found SUPER helpless can be found Here andddddd the first part of This helped me understand what I was feeling was normal and I wasn’t alone. This has been a really hard one for me.
  3. Jesus Christ! Just feeling so livid all the time over nothing or over everything and anyone!
  4. Easily Frustrated
  5. Memory Loss (could be part of my thyroid problem.. Either one or even both actually)
  6. Frustration over loud noise or too much going on
  7. Very extremely easily overwhelmed (a lot of “y” going on there ha)
  8. Loss of interests
  9. Tired, dragging feeling
  10. Rather stay in bed and not do anything
  11. Disconnecting from SO and/or children.
  12. Pushing SO and/or children away.

I can’t tell you how frustrating it is to always be frustrated and angry. It’s not fun for me and it’s not fun for anyone else around me. But just know that you aren’t alone and a lot of people don’t think their anger could be caused by PPD. Like I said before.. Depression has many faces. I started out with the baby blues (uncontrollable sporadic crying, just plain  sad and helpless) my SO’s was working a really crappy schedule and wasn’t ever home to comfort me our son and our newborn baby. I felt alone and I couldn’t handle it. I cried 24/7 randomly. During a show, when my SO left, when I texted him, when he didn’t text back fast enough, when my show ended, etc) i got on antidepressants at 8 weeks PP because I was done with that and I didn’t even want to try and suffer through it. Well, my throid went to hell and back and is still going enough that it could become a “frequent flyer” and earn points to fly free..  of course it’s on me. Once I got it what we thought was grounded.. I got on phentermine to loose allllll that weight my thyroid and my pregnancy made me gain. With just my luck I had to get off of my antidepressants because as explained to me I would become a crazy psychotic mother (preeeettyy sure my kids and SO already think I am oops) and possibly kill everyone. Literally. So I had a choice. Happy Pill (be unhappy with my weight as I already was) orrrr Magic Weightloss Pill(loose weight and feel better about myself and get married being skinnier). Before you judge.. I and a lot of others with thyroid problems are seriously unable to loose weight without help because of a thyroid problem. I chose Phentermine over my antidepressant well knowing I wasn’t ready to get off of them. I was having health problems starting shortly after I gave birth (before medication swap) and found out my mother had MS and so did my grandmother. I wanted to be tested but again wasn’t being taken seriously because of my age even though my mother was diagnosed at 21. So I gave up. I would still love to be tested and find out but oh well I guess. Let’s just find out when it’s too late yeah? Welcome to America, where we care but not til it’s right in our faces and too hard to ignore any longer!

Fast forward a couple months. My depression came back and I didn’t realize it. Why? Because I always thought it was when you are SAD and that’s about it. I didn’t know what depression really was and I wish I had. It took away for me to actually start researching my symptoms because they kept getting worse and new ones were starting. Like terrible intrusive thoughts. I’ve held this in for so long because when someone is having the thoughts I am, I assumed they would throw me in the loony bin and/or stop trusting me to be alone with my children. Because of this I felt I should keep it to myself and suffer alone. Which is how THIS momma felt as well. I have a terrible time talking to my SO about my feelings because I feel dismissed when I’ve tried. So bottling this up was excruciating but something I ultimately felt necessary or I would feel worse because he didn’t care. Ive tried several times but when I start I get no response or support so I close down hard. How do I even address that? How do I open up to the person who is suppose to be my best friend when I strongly feel like they don’t care? How is this relationship even suppose to work?

The anger part: I get so angry over anything and everything. I can’t calm down no matter how hard I try. It just progresses and nothing helps. I get frustrated with myself, my kids, my SO, the way someone walks or talks, my business, my life. I feel so terrible when I get upset with my kids. They don’t know any better and I know that. But my anger is out of control to the point I CANT function or think with the crying. I’m such a terrible mother and my kids deserve better. I want to be better. My SO has been out of his job for 2 months roughly and I’ve been going crazy. I’ve been picking up and cleaning up after everyone this whole time. Cooking meals, putting of my work, trying to balance my time ALL BY MYSELF. Waiting hand and foot on everyone and trying to get help with the kids but expected to still be in the mood. I feel alone and overwhelmed and no one gives a flying fuck. Hmm that’s funny. My thyroid is swollen and pops, it hurts and is probably making my depression worse. I have no sex drive, I’m loosing my hair(hair, eyebrow hair, only plus is my leg hair isn’t grow fast at all!), I can’t remember hardly anything, and bleh bleh bleh. I have no insurance, I have no money and I’m almost out of medication. I don’t even know what to do lol. Not really but I’ve got to laugh about it or all go ape shit (:

The point is, depression can hide behind other emotions not just the main face, which is being sad. Look for signs, and please PLEASE don’t be afraid to reach out for help. There are so many people that are here to help you and give you support! Don’t brush it off, take the hand that is offered to you because if you don’t let me be the first to tell you that depression is a hard and lonely road by yourself. You ARE strong. You ARE worth SO much more than you’ll ever know darling. You CAN overcome this. I believe in you. Don’t go through depression alone.